There are times through all of this crap that events happen that bring us joy and hope. You may not realise this but for Simon and I our marriage is our second marriage for both of us. Simon has two children but I was never gifted with children, something that at the time (and still can be) was difficult to deal with. We do not in this blog discuss our families too much but here is a quick run down on who we actually are to put some context into this blog.
Simon, he is the youngest of three children, he had two older sisters, Michelle and Sarah, Sarah sadly died from bowel cancer at the age of 46, Michelle lives down in Cornwall with her family and so does Simons Mum . Simon has two children who play a big part in our lives, his son lives abroad and his daughter lives nearby and we see her regularly. We are also very close to Simons nephew, he stays with us regularly. I love having these two as my step children (it is a pleasure to get to know and help guide these two), Simons nephew is as close to a step son I could ever have.
I am the youngest of four girls, I know my poor Dad! I am incredibly close to my sisters and as a family when times are hard for any of us we come together and are a force of support for each other and a force to be reckoned with. My sisters have three children each and though it was hard for me to not have children I feel my 9 nieces and nephews have filled this void in my life and I love them like they were my own. My sisters were incredibly generous in letting me be close to their children through their younger days, this is something I can never thank them enough for.
As the years of not having children has past I have found a second wave of sadness, this is not having grandchildren. I see my sisters pleasure at having this pivotal role now with the arrival of Grandchildren and I feel a loss all over again. I would have never have thought this would actually affect me, it has been over 20 years since I had IVF treatment and my life without children was something I was used to.
These feelings have somewhat caught me by surprise …….. anyway to lighten this somewhat, I had the absolute pleasure of being with my sister last weekend when her daughter Kate had a baby. Kate asked if I would be a birth partner with Joy and so at 01:10am last Saturday I had the call that the baby was on its way. The whole experience was something I will hold with me forever, along with the absolute respect and awe I have for my youngest niece to be there when another member of the family entered this world, it was just so amazing. Isaac William came into this world at 11:20 weighing in at a whooping 9lb 13oz bundle of loveliness. So amongst the madness of this life we are in, there was this life, starting out, loved by everyone and my heart has soared.
It is so easy to get caught in this spiralling life that we have and not to look outside of the circle we are in but occasionally things happen that make us lift our heads.
This week is scan results week, the 3 monthly scans to appear to be coming round quicker and quicker and the anxiety levels within the house are again at the max. It is hard to explain how this makes us feel, we so many thoughts and scenarios going through our heads right now, Simon appears to be well, other than the side effects of chemo therapy, we are quietly going into our appointment this week prepared. The chemo goes on and this week Simon had his 40th cycle of chemotherapy. 40th………. it seems unbelievable that he has gone through so much and has body has taken so much punishment from the drugs they have given him. BUT this is what is keeping him alive and in the darkest days we reflect this. We know the side effects, these are not only physical but emotional and mental. I know the days when a dark cloud is going to hover over the house and remind Simon that his darkest thoughts are heightened by chemo and steroids and that this cloud will move away. His mood has been affected of late and he has struggled with the hours on his own, whilst I have been at work, to help with this we call on friends and family to ensure he has company or a phone call to keep him on his toes and of course the daily chore list. The daily chore list consists of things that need to be done and I have made it my mission to draw a different picture of the cats …….
Christmas is flying towards us at a rate we can hardly deal with, it is a time of year that we dearly love and make the most of but for this year Simon has struggled with the enormity of everything, we have agreed with a scaled down version this year. He does not want presents or cards in the house, he finds this so difficult and does not want to see presents coming in, I have had to tell all the family this, and though we have found this difficult what we are doing is somehow more important, we are giving the family time together, in this materialistic world we live in where time together is limited we feel this is the greatest gift. So next week the decorating of the house begins, we will have a house that looks and feels like Christmas, it will be welcoming and we will fill it with the people we love.
I will send a short post with scan results later this week, but for now onwards and upwards Mr C